Image: Professor Thelonius Commode while lecturing on jazz economics
Hello – With warm heart I offer my friendship greetings and I hope this message meets you in good time. However strange or surprising or frankly unbelievable this contact might seem to you as we have not met personally or had any dealings in past, I humbly ask that you take due consideration of its importance and immense benefit and do not question it’s voracity. My name is Thelonius Commode. I would appreciate if you could consider this offer both as a business prospect and also as a form of assistance to someone in urgent need of business assistance. I was the accountant for the now defunct jazz record label in scotland named MacWow Records. I have control of £75 million of unpaid royalties owed to a free improv/ celtic folk/noise punk trombonist named Swipe Hanson who died recently with no dependants in a terrible accident while performing a live Kite-Bone improvisation with a flock of geese in flight during the 2010 Dumbarton Jazz festival “Nature is Killing!!” project. Most of the royalties came from his recent hit project Swipe At Night – in which he used his trademark uplifting folk melodies and simple static harmonic backgrounds, performed from a version of his own bedroom recreated on stage, to explore the emotional after effects of cocoa. The gig and resulting CDRom/Memory Stick release resulted in a nomination in the East Lothian Jazz Awards – ‘Multi Media Projects Set in Domestic Milieu’ section in which he came a prestigious 4th place. This fantastic result then triggered massive sales and publishing income. I also control an additional £50 million fund resulting from various mute endorsement deals, and from sales of his own fragrance – “Uh Oh! I Got Bone”. Due to recent effects of the economic downturn and the closure of almost every jazz organisation, record company, and magazine I am in desperate need of a reliable partner in the folk , classical. or rock/pop economies to be my most trusted business partner. I would also consider working with people from dance, theatre, or even people not involved in the creative arts such as DJ’s. If you are able to help me smuggle this money out of this desperate, economically wrecked genre, I would gladly give you 30% for you assistance – a total of £20 million odd pounds. All I need you to do is to send your full bank details, credit card number, PIN, paypal and iTunes log ins and a scan of your passport and passport photo to me , Thelonius Commode, at firstname.lastname@example.org. Many Thanks and have a Jazztastic day!